Reblogged from https://deathtosocialanxiety.wordpress.com
I didn’t know everything would be okay when my grandparents separated when I was 4 and divorced when I was 6. didn’t know everything would be okay in 6th grade when I was being teased, bullied, and beaten up and was depressed and anxious all the time. I didn’t know everything would be okay when my parents threw away my notebooks and hid my instruments when they didn’t like the lyrics I was writing or the music I was making as a teenager.
I didn’t know everything would be okay when the first girl I genuinely liked and felt genuinely liked me committed suicide the summer of 2006. I didn’t know everything would be okay when I was diagnosed with co-morbid conditions by a psychiatrist at the age of 17. I didn’t know everything would be okay when I got my heart broken for the first time at 18 years old by a girl named Tuba while at college. I didn’t know everything would be okay when I relapsed onto opiates and cocaine. I didn’t know everything would be okay when Mikey died a month after that relapse. I didn’t know everything would be okay when I hit rock bottom and was sent to rehab two months after Mikey’s death. I didn’t know everything would be okay when I relapsed just days after leaving rehab. I didn’t know everything would be okay when I took an entire bottle of Percocet attempting to commit suicide on June 5, 2011 after writing my song “The Inferno” as a suicide note. I didn’t know everything would be okay when I ended up at the hospital after that and had to be force-fed liquid charcoal to soak up the amount of acetaminophen that was poisoning my insides. I didn’t know everything would be okay when I decided to get clean on July 27, 2012.
I didn’t know everything would be okay when I released my first album “Love + Other Drugs” after 7 1/2 years of conceptualization and creation on February 27, 2014. I didn’t know everything would be okay when I decided to stop taking anti-depressants in May of 2014. I didn’t know everything would be okay when I got in a car accident that nearly killed me and totaled my first car two weeks after stopping the anti-depressants. I didn’t know everything would be okay when I relapsed on the barbiturates I was prescribed to treat the migraines that afflicted me after the accident. I didn’t know everything would be okay when I threw my last full bottle of them away. I didn’t know everything would be okay when I quit the last job I had been at comfortably for a year and a half to take a chance on my dream and make a living as an artist.
However, I knew everything would be okay when Ramona broke up with me in August of 2013. I knew everything would be okay when I decided to take time off of being in relationships and just focus on learning to love myself and build myself up for the next couple of years. I knew everything would be okay when I got my last job. I knew everything would be okay when I left school with the intention of not going back. I knew everything would be okay when my brand new record label Echoverse Records first showcase was a huge success. I knew everything would be okay when I finished writing “END CREDITS.” because the composition of that song and the whole album of SATURN DEATH CULT was the proof that everything was finally okay. Things weren’t perfect, I wasn’t perfect, but I was moving along at a proper pace. As you can see, there have been far more times in my life where I felt that things were not going to be okay than there were times where I felt assured that they would be, but the energy and momentum of those few occasions are what gave me the strength to keep going in those times where I wasn’t sure.
My life has had many hardships, most were self-inflicted, I can admit to that, but some were not. I don’t pretend to have it harder than others because for every one of my scars, I’m sure someone else has ten. However, I’ve made a living off of constructing art that reflects both the positive and negative aspects of my nature and paints me as a complex, albeit, generally kind and accepting individual. My relationship with depression and suicide has been touched upon in many of my songs, a running theme of my music is the personification of depression/psychological death as a woman I am in a strained relationship with that I just can’t seem to give up while my personification of hope/life is the woman I aspire to be with and give myself totally to. SATURN DEATH CULT relies on this allegory of sorts from the very beginning with “BRAIN DAEDALUS” (the album’s first single) and comes to a close with “END CREDITS.” where I take an honest look at aspects of my relationship with both depression and hope and decide to finally leave depression behind and chart a new course with hope in my heart.
It took me awhile to realize that life isn’t just one movie. It’s multiple movies connecting an entire person’s story together. “END CREDITS.” was constructed exactly as it’s name suggests, to serve as the end credits to the first movie that makes up my story, it is the end credits to my coming-of-age movie, my bildungsroman, if you will. It’s meant to cue the sequel to my story, where I move forward with my new found confidence and success. “END CREDITS.” signifies me no longer letting depression and the fear and anxiety it births drive me away from being the person I know I can be. This song’s lyrics were written on my 30-minute lunch break at my job and in all honesty, this was the song that gave me the courage to quit that job and make my passions my career. The music was inspired by my love of electronic music, pop, shoegaze, and the atmospheres that post-rock so beautifully portrays.
I went into my Social Anxiety creative process as a lone wolf, and it worked for most of Social Anxiety’s formative years, but I’ve learned that in order to evolve appropriately, we have to let trustworthy people into our process and collaborate. While the music, vocals, and lyrics for “END CREDITS.” were all done by me, the artwork for the single and the music video was/will be directed by my friend Austin Gavin. He has always given me his full support in all my endeavors, even if they didn’t pan out so well. The single artwork also features Stephanie Villa, one of the few people from elementary school who made it a point to treat me well. She will also be doing the make-up design for the music video and I am excited to have her be a part of this. She’s been supportive of Social Anxiety since the beginning it seems and I’ve loved the support. Lighting for the shoot was done by Joey Gonzalez, a fairly recently acquired friend who is proving to be fully supportive and an all-around amazing individual. I am happy to announce that under his stage name Psydeshow he will appear on SATURN DEATH CULT as a featured artist.
I want more than anything for my work as Social Anxiety to be a beacon of hope for people who have been beaten up by life and tossed against the ropes. While most of my songs use dark imagery to convey a sense of despair and alienation (feelings I’ve become accustomed to) I usually try to end the song on some sort of silver lining because my life has had so many of those. “END CREDITS.” happens to be a dark cloud with a huge silver lining that successfully gets the upper hand on the dark cloud. “END CREDITS.” may be the end of SATURN DEATH CULT but it’s the beginning of the rest of my life and I am thankful for the opportunities I’ve been given, the people I’ve chosen to surround myself with nowadays, and I am looking forward to everything that comes next, whether it is good or bad, this time I am well prepared to handle both. Thank you for all of your love and support. I hope you enjoy this new direction.
LISTEN TO THE TRACK BELOW: